


Good Eats (and Evil Does Too)

by handschuhmaus



Category: Good Eats RPF, Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Crack, Discworld References, Doctor Who References, Gen, Quests, References to Monty Python, Screenplay/Script Format, Sorry Not Sorry, food is almost never evil, hot syrup safety, objections to fudge, odiferous foodstuffs, other assorted sci-fi references, self insert badly impersonating Darth Sidious, uncontrolled time machine, you with your dietary restrictions Hego Damask
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-12
Updated: 2014-08-13
Packaged: 2018-02-13 00:49:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2130783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/handschuhmaus/pseuds/handschuhmaus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>(An <strike>unauthorized</strike> sequel to my friend Schmergo's A Quest for Ice Cream...)</em>
</p>
<p>Alton was planning on doing a show about fudge, and getting some filming done while on a trip to Mackinac Island. But Voldemort, having subjugated significant regions of Vermont and most recently Mackinac Island, objects to the further glorification of Fudge and derails the plans by sending the TV host off to the Galaxy Far Far Away in an untested time machine to quest for other evil foods...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Good Eats (and Evil Does Too)

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [A Quest for Ice Cream](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/72824) by Schmergo. 



> ...while she has not endorsed this fic, I do have permission from Schmergo to run with the concept. ;)

**VOID. NONDESCRIPT ROOM-UNCERTAIN HOUR**  
 _Enter THE AUTHOR, badly disguised as Darth Sidious, flanked by ITCHY and TWITCHY, the Good Eats lawyers. Unfortunately the effect is rather spoiled by curly brown hair (somewhat akin to the Fourth Doctor's or a hobbit's) peeking out from under the hood, and yellow pinstriped trousers peeking out from under the cape. Furthermore, she is slightly too short. SNAPE is also present._

ITCHY: Ahem  
TWITCHY: As the legal team for _Good Eats_ \--  
AUTHOR: Silence!  
 _Her voice is not particularly similar at all to that of Darth Sidious._  
AUTHOR, continuing: We feel obliged here to point out that I, the Author, have no ownership of these characters. WE are not technically on _Good Eats_ , as I am almost certain you could probably discern from our present format. _Most_ importantly, this fic is not intended to be an accurate representation of Alton Brown.  
SNAPE: Who would expect it to be?  
TWITCHY: This is a disclaimer.  
ITCHY: But since we are not actually lawyers, and just play them on TV, we don't actually have any legal expertise.  
AUTHOR: Well--yes. Because the author is writing this, including the parts of Itchy and Twitchy, and has no legal knowledge, this does not actually in any way whatsoever constitute legal council  
TWITCHY: Anyway, moving on...

**EXT. A RATHER GENERIC OUTDOOR VIEW-MIDDAY**  
 _A large chalkboard on wheels is standing in the middle of the screen with "OH FUDGE!" written on it, with an eraser swipe through the text. ALTON BROWN (AB) and two hooded DEATH EATERS enter, AB being pushed by the DEATH EATERS, who are holding him by the arms._

AB: I won't give up!  
 _struggles_  
AB: Well, I was supposed to be doing a show on that particular confection for which this island is notorious.  
 _Signs reading "FUDGE" and "PENUCHE" are held up in front of him._  
AB, continuing: but it came to the attention of a certain "Dark Lord" ( _rolls eyes_ ) that it shares its name with one of his political enemies, and, having taken over Mackinac Island just this week, he has banned me from doing the show I intended. Instead, under duress, I am expected to continue his quest for evil foods, voyaging in the an untested time and space machine to regions unknown.  
 _Two further DEATH EATERS push a red phone booth which is balanced rather unsteadily on a sheet of plywood on top of a child's red wagon into the shot._  
DEATH EATERS, in unison: He's a Muggle, exile him!  
 _First pair of DEATH EATERS lift ALTON BROWN while the second pair open the phone booth's door. The interior can be seen and is quite an ordinary phonebooth, excepting perhaps the fact that the phone seems to be equipped with not only a number pad but an old-fashioned rotary dial, besides an incongruously emerald green earpiece. Also, a handy **shelf** beneath the phone booth contains not just a standard yellow pages and white pages but an ominous leather bound tome the title of which is half worn off the spine. Only "NECROTELIC-" can be seen of the remains of the title, though a partial subtitle "inum Fulvarum" remains._

_The DEATH EATERS heft ALTON BROWN into the phone booth and one of them dials something on the rotary dial before inputting a long series of values, separated by both pounds (#) and stars (*) on the keypad. The other restrains AB. All DEATH EATERS shove the door closed and the phonebox disappears._

Cue Halloween-themed version of the iconic Good Eats theme.

**TITLE CARD: ~~Good~~ Evil Eats**

CHORUS (uncertainly, and not quite in unison): Good--good? Eats?

_****commercial break****_

**Author's Note:**

> ...I may yet change the formatting somewhat...


End file.
